Heat
by COOKIECHEESEMAN
Summary: One day, Yarne seems to become afflicted by a condition that cause him to view women... in a much different light than normal. How will this affect his relationship with his best friend, Noire, who's a girl herself? YarnexNoire, with Panne providing the context.


Author's Notes

I haven't done this in a LONG time: my characters are PURPOSELY OOC! Now, no one gets to complain about it! HA! Please don't make this an excuse to guest review! I think this is now officially the weirdest story I've ever written.

In all seriousness, though, I still hope you enjoy the story! It should make you laugh, plus there's fluff at the end! It's probably rated T for a reason again, just to warn you guys.

* * *

Heat

"Whew, I feel really hot for some reason," Yarne says, rubbing some sleep out of his eyes. He doesn't know exactly what's going on, but something about his body feels different today. Deciding to ignore it, he exits his tent and proceeds towards the cooking tent to eat breakfast.

After receiving his bread, he sits outside on the fresh grass and watches his best friend, Noire, practice her archery skills, as he does every day, although this time he's closer to her than usual for some reason. When he sees Noire hit the bulls-eye of the target on her second shot, she smiles to herself and runs to Yarne's side.

"I got that bulls-eye really quickly today..." she remarks, her smile growing wider. "I wonder... is it because you were closer today? I seem to fight better in battles when we're assigned together..."

"You know, I'm not usually as scared when I fight by you," Yarne murmurs back, awkwardly scratching the back of his head. "Perhaps we support each other. Or maybe, I'm just afraid you'll go crazy when you do your 'blood and thunder' routine..."

As Noire chuckles at this, a switch immediately appears to go off inside Yarne's head, and his eyes begin to glaze over somewhat, causing Noire to examine him in concern. "Y-Yarne?" she asks carefully, "are you alright?"

Meanwhile, a new entity materializes into Yarne's brain, and a voice permeates through Yarne's head as he watches Noire...

* * *

**"****Potential Mate: Noire"**

_Huh? What is going on..._

Suddenly, in Yarne's vision, Noire is being scanned before his very eyes, and various parts of her body are being highlighted; mainly her face, chest, pelvis, and legs.

**"****Advantages of Potential Mate: Sufficiently large mammary glands to satisfy the high demand of milk and nutrients future offspring will need to survive."**

_Why is this happening? Sure, I like looking at her chest once in a while, but that should not be an "advantage" of her! Any guy would do the same! And besides, what is this for, even?_

**"**_**Disadvantages of Potential Mate: Small stature and hips insufficient for bearing large, healthy offspring."**_

_Who cares that she's small and fragile? She's still quite pretty, even if I haven't told her so, and she's still a really nice girl... Don't put her down for that!_

**"****Conclusion of Analysis of Potential Mate: Unsuitable for breeding. Will still commence with mating regardless..."**

_WHAT?_

**"**_**...and after completion of action, will search out for a more suitable mate."**_

Slowly, Yarne's body starts moving on its own, closer and closer to Noire, despite his mind trying to override it...

* * *

"Yarne!" Noire shouts, and the glossiness in Yarne's eyes dissipates. Shaking his head, he looks at Noire, and the voice seems to have stopped controlling him; for now, anyway. Nevertheless, who knows if it will come back and control him again? He has to go before he actually commits the deed the voice was telling him to do!

"I'm so sorry!" Yarne apologizes, and he runs away before Noire can say anything more. His only goal now is to ask his mother, Panne, what is going on; she may have an idea. When he reaches her tent, he sighs in relief when he finds her in there alone, reading a book called "Learning About Humans". However, even though she is, indeed, his mother, Yarne can feel the voice beginning to ingrain itself into his mind again.

Despite this, Panne does not immediately notice what is happening to her son.

"Humans really are strange creatures," she muses to herself before eventually noticing that her son is staring at her with glazed over eyes. She sighs heavily, and setting her book down, starts walking towards him...

* * *

**"**_**Potential Mate: Panne"**_

_This again? Why I am analyzing HER?!_

Once again, Panne's body is scanned before Yarne's very eyes, this time taking special interest in her Taguel attributes visible to the naked eye.

**"**_**Advantages of Potential Mate: Full-blooded Taguel that will ensure preservation of Taguel genetics in future offspring."**_

_I guess if that wasn't an advantage..._

**"**_**Disadvantages of Potential Mate: ..."**_

_**"Searching..."**_

_**"Searching..."**_

**"**_**Unable to find disadvantages."**_

_She's my mother?! Is that not something that's considered in this craziness?_

**"**_**Disadvantages of Potential Mate: Already taken by another."**_

_That's not what I meant, but..._

_**"Conclusion of Analysis of Potential Mate: Unsuitable for breeding. Will still..."**_

* * *

A splash of cold water chases the voice away from Yarne's head, and now everything is coming back into normal focus. Panne used a bucket of water kept for emergencies to bring Yarne back to reality, evident by the empty bucket in her hands.

"So... you're in heat."

"Heat?" Yarne repeats, and Panne nods. "What is heat? And why is it making me view girls as nothing but potential baby-makers? Is there something wrong with me?"

Panne chuckles slightly, but it does nothing to put Yarne at ease. "Relax, Yarne. When Taguel reach a certain age, their natural instinct is to find a mate and breed. Now, once you have a mate, the instinct suppresses itself indefinitely, but..." she trails off, and Yarne stares desperately at her to continue. "Since you are the only Taguel left other than myself, you can't just go and claim a female and be done with it, like in normal Taguel society."

This is not good news for Yarne. Since his mother couldn't teach him everything about the Taguel due to her disappearance in the future, he just assumed that one day he'd fall in love with a nice girl and they'd get married, and maybe start a family then. He didn't know that being a Taguel came with this huge ordeal of finding the most suitable mate! If he had known before, he would have done something about it sooner, not have his crazy instincts choose a mate _for_ him!

And even if he simply chooses to avoid the issue altogether, this means that he can't communicate with other females again. Not his mother, not Robin, not...

"Noire..." Yarne mumbles to himself, and Panne raises an eyebrow at the mention of her.

"Do you love Noire? Perhaps if you consider asking her to marry you..."

Yarne's eyes start to glaze over again, so this time Panne shakes his head until the glaze goes away. "I heard all that, but..." He rubs his forehead. "One, I don't believe she loves me back, and two, she's not 'worthy' to be my mate, even though I'll still..."

"And you think your father was my perfect mate?" Panne replies, smirking. "Gaius was not even close to my suitable mate. I loved him anyway. I actually got lucky in that regard; I would have started heat the day after our wedding," she relates, and her smirk widens even more. "If we hadn't gotten married and became each other's mates, the next day, I would have pounced on him so fast and hard that he wouldn't have been able to walk for weeks. I believe his human blood is restraining you, Yarne. You can actually make this work. Just ask her..."

"She would just say no..." Yarne interjects, and he sits down in defeat, putting his hands over his face. "I love her, but I'm not going to ask her to marry me to solve this problem. It would be unfair to her. She's already insecure about herself because of all the horrible experiments her mother exposed her to. If I told her the truth, she'd hate me..."

Unbeknownst to Yarne, Noire walks into the tent, and holding a hand to her lips for Panne to keep quiet, slowly taps on Yarne's shoulder.

"So... are you just scared to ask me, then?" Noire comments, and Yarne jumps when he realizes who's talking to him.

"Noire? When did you... did you hear all of that?"

"The entire conversation," she clarifies, and Yarne lightly blushes at the thought of what Noire heard. "You really thought... I would say no? I don't think I could feel safer with anyone _but_ you, Yarne."

This earns a nervous chuckle from Yarne. "Even though I run away from all the enemies unless I have to?"

"There's no one who runs faster than you, so we can easily escape," Noire adds, and this time, all three of the tent's tenants laugh at the joke. "And when we have to fight... you protect me with all of your strength because I'm defenseless when they attack me up close..."

"So, the problem's solved, then," Panne says, nodding confidently at the two new lovers. "We'll set up an impromptu ceremony tomorrow for the both of you. I'll just get a couple of the men to make sure Yarne doesn't get into contact with any women until then."

Even as Panne is speaking, Yarne's eyes begin glazing over once more...

* * *

**"**_**Potential Mate: Noire"**_

_No, not again... we're getting married tomorrow! Can't you just hold off until you go away permanently? _

**"**_**Analysis of Potential Mate has already classified this mate as unsuitable for breeding; however mating will commence in..."**_

* * *

Noire's lips pressing against his own causes the voice to fade away into obscurity, and when Yarne notices that everything is back to normal, he sighs, and Panne begins to escort Noire out of tent, before saying to him, "I know both of you will be excited tomorrow, but make sure both of you are able to walk after..."

"MOTHER!"

THE END

* * *

Author's Notes

Once again, what the crap am I writing? This is the weirdest thing I've ever written. However, it still makes me laugh! Boy, and I thought Crazy Dreams was crazy...

Even though our characters were purposely OOC, many of the facts aren't. Noire _was_ subjected to many of Tharja's experiments, and it negatively influenced her. Yarne _did not_ know very much about Taguel society. And Noire's chest _is_ quite big. :p The minute I saw her in-game portrait for the first time, I knew that I would love to exploit that for a story or two in the future. :D

Cormag Ravenstaff was desperately asking for hints about this submission's pairing, so I told him that the guy was Yarne, and the girl was a child character with "a physical attribute about her that only she possesses! No other female has this one attribute about her!" I know there were only five choices, but still, I can't believe he correctly guessed that it was Noire! The attribute I was referring to was her... "sufficiently sized mammary glands", obviously. Although, that feather she wears is pretty cute, too. :D Congrats on the great guess!

This is not my best work by any means, (I've said that for a bunch of my submissions) but if people get a laugh out of it, that's all that matters to me for this one. Have I lowered my standards, perhaps? Who knows. Either way, this is my last submission for a while. I'm going on a trip! No writing during the trip, but I'll still be replying to reviews, PMs, and the like. Don't be shy!

Also, a HUGE apology to any ladies reading this!


End file.
